Why I love theatre

Okay this all sounds very cheesy. But because I've chosen to go back to my first passion, I've been reflecting a lot lately on why I love theatre so much, even though I rarely enjoy actually performing myself. I like being the unseen magic, I like to feel like what I do helps the people on stage be even more magical. Anyways that's beside the point. I watch a lot of Wicked clips online these days, mainly because I love the show, and because Lera wants the role of Elphie one day, which I actually firmly and realistically believe she has a shot at getting. Anyways I was watching a clip from the finale of what was supposed to be Idina Menzel's final night in the role of Elphie. She hadn't done the role that night though, because of the fact that the night before there was a problem with the trap door during her melting scene and she broke a rib, so Shoshana Bean stepped into the role early. However on that night, at the very end, after Elphie has "melted" and comes back on stage to meet Fiyero so the two of them can run off together, Idina walked on stage in a red track suit rather than Sho as Elphie. It was one of those magical moments that can only happen in theatre. The audience went wild, the cast looked shocked. It made me cry. Which I know is sappy. But something as unpredictable and amazing as that can only happen on a stage. Film is a beautiful art form, but it is too contrived, and scheduled for me. Theatre moves differently every night. It is a human art form. A stunt goes wrong and the trap door doesn't work at exactly the right time because some deckhand sneezes, and the lead is suddenly whisked away to the emergency room. A lead on stage forgets a line, and all of a sudden a song comes pages ahead of where it's actually written into the script, and it's the responsibility of the musical director to make sure that happens. An actor steps into a mark for a trap door too soon, lines ahead of himself, it's still someone's responsibility to make sure that happens so that the magic isn't ruined. Theatre is about being on your toes, thinking ahead, and even though you might do the same show 8 times a week for 4 years, no single show is exactly the same. That's why I love theatre, because it is unpredictable, alive, and most of all human.

I believe

I believe in second chances, even third chances, maybe more. People are not perfect, and being as imperfect as we are every last one of us is bound to make a mistake every once in a while. I know that I have made my fair share and then some. I have not been a good person many times in my life. I am ashamed of those instances, but I don't regret them, regret is silly, it holds you back. I've learned that. I have to embrace who I am now is a result of the person I was three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago, etc., and for the first time in my life I think I'm starting to maybe like the person that I am becoming.

St. Andrews is a very good place for me. I'm learning to be myself here outside of the vices of drugs, and especially alcohol that have been such a huge part of my life for the past few years. For years now I've been afraid to express my feelings, because for so long people told me I was stupid, I was overreacting or the worst, that I had no right to feel the way I did. So I bottled it up, drank myself stupid, and then cried, and babbled out what I was feeling, so no one had to take me seriously, but at least I'd said something. But I'm starting to try and talk again, even though I still worry that I'll be a burden to those people I love most. St. Andrews has made me realize that friends are friends because of who you are, not what you do, and as someone who constantly feels the need to please other people it's about time I figured that out. In general St. Andrews is making me a better and happier person. Lera said it herself, I'm happier and healthier here than she's seen me.

St. Andrews has also taught me that mistakes in the past can be corrected, well maybe not St. Andrews, but being here has taught me that. Lera, one of my dearest and most treasured friends, is a perfect example of that. For nearly a year we basically hated each other. Well she hated me, and I was afraid of her. But now, I can't imagine my life without her, I'm so glad that I got the courage to write her a stupid email out of nowhere that sparked the renewal of a really special friendship, and being so far apart from everything else I hold dear has proven to me that friendship isn't about space or time, it's about how you connect with a person, believing in someone else, because they believe in you; friendship is about support, honesty and understanding. Lera has given me the strength I need to be here and stay here, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Other people from my past are popping back into my life, as I feel yet other people who have been a huge part of my life for years fading into the background. Last summer I was able to reconnect with Jess Grennan, someone who was never really a friend before, but rather my boss, but my boss who took care of me, and gave me an opportunity most 17 year olds don't get. Now Jess is a fantastic friend, someone that I admire and love dearly, and all it took for me to forge a meaningful friendship with her was some time and a sleazy Helena bar. Chrissy is another person I feel is worth writing about. Chrissy is a major blast from the past, we were friends, good friends, nearly 8 years ago. That friendship fell apart because of me, jealousy and immaturity caused me to push away a really good person, and lose a really good friend for the better part of a decade. However over the last year, through of all things myspace, Chrissy has become a part of my life again, a friend that I feel comfortable with at least opening up to on some level, and someone that I hope feels like I'm worth having around for a while again. I'd like to see her again someday, and I may soon.

Other people are slowly fading out of my life. People that I thought would be apart of my life forever. I'm gone, forgotten, out of sight, out of mind. I'm okay with that on some level. My life is so different now then the lives of most people I thought would be my friends forever. I'm a world a way, literally thousands of miles a way, and I can't expect people to know how to cope and connect with me anymore. It hurts though, that I'm so easily forgotten. I feel like I've always been, my entire life, second choice. No one's best friend, easily forgotten, easily ignored and easy to dismiss as the crazy one.

With that said though I do have best friends, one who most people would say is not so good for me. He's a little crazy, and perhaps we make bad decisions together, but I care about him SO much, and I know, whether he shows it or not in a way that other people think is acceptable that he cares about me too. He's the kind of friend that knows how to cheer me up no matter what, even if it's not in the most productive way. He's also the kind of friend that will give me his opinion on anything, without really caring if it'll hurt my feelings or not, because it's what I need to hear. My other best friend, she's a different kind of friend, she's the kind of friend that supports me no matter what, but she also doesn't hesitate to tell me I'm being an idiot. She's the kind of friend that gives me the strength I need to make scary decisions. She's the kind of friend that will let me cry on her shoulder without trying to cheer me up because she knows that sometimes crying is the best remedy. Both of these people mean the world to me, and I'd be lost without them.

Tomorrow is the start of a new semester for me. I need to do well, my M.Litt hangs on this semester. I need to work hard, and I need to work well. So I needed to get some of this off my chest. I haven't been in the best frame of mind lately, and that's mainly because I've been holding in a lot of things. There's one person who needs a confrontation, but I don't know how to do it, so I'm slowly working my way there.